AWESOMEYvonne

Progress is a funny thing like it’s friend time. Baby steps of progress look like failure. Progress is scaling 10 feet up a 50 foot mountain face, clinging for your life, hoping your fingertips don’t give. And then, losing your grip and sliding down 8 feet, skin broken and bleeding, gasping for air, and as you regain your baring’s, realizing that unfortunately, you only made it 2 feet from where you started. All you can think of is how far you still have to go. Progress is only attractive given time.

I set about to be more in control of my own life in 2021. I know that sounds silly. Who else would be in control of my life? But the reality is, I was just going, treading water, reacting to things, assuming that was what it looked like to be successful and happy.

Spoiler Alert. For me, it wasn’t at all what it looked like. In 2020, in addition to the dreaded COVID, I realized that I had ADHD and that many of the things that I thought I was a failing at, I wasn’t. My mother also died. She didn’t take very good care of herself. Looking back, I think she hated herself, didn’t think she was worthy of things, didn’t think the fight was worth failing over and over anymore. I came to realize that most likely my mother also had ADHD and was probably on the spectrum just as I probably am. Unfortunately for her, no one was ever able to explain to her that her different brain was just that, different, and she had been comparing herself to a standard that made no sense for her.

When I was younger, I had decided I wanted to be nothing like my mother. During my childhood and early adult years, it was malicious. I couldn’t stand anything about her. I still don’t want to be like her but now, it is because I know she was doing the best she could given the information she had. And if she had more information, she would have been so much happier.

So here I am, happier. Progress made. Healthier. No where close to the top but I can still see progress. I was struggling to get 150 heart/activity/whatever points a week in 2020. My average a week now is around 600. I have more energy than I can remember in a very, very long time. I work out so much more than never. I eat more protein. I work from home. My husband and I do stuff together to have fun.

And to quote Taylor Swift because nothing is complete without it “Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven.”